


i used to say i wanna die before i'm old, but because of you i might think twice

by intertwiningwords



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Trigger Warnings, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 17:29:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16665127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intertwiningwords/pseuds/intertwiningwords
Summary: connor truly didn't know that the orchard was closed. it isn't going to stop him from bringing evan in though.





	i used to say i wanna die before i'm old, but because of you i might think twice

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings!!!: suicide mention, self-harm mention, discussion of mental health, hospital mention, family issues mention ... nothing graphic though!!

Connor didn’t know the orchard was closed. Well, how could he? He hadn’t been there in ages, he had no reason to be aware of such a fact. Perhaps he should have considered the possibility before inviting Evan there though.

They arrive, Connor having borrowed his mom’s car for the day and Evan peers out the window curiously, hands fiddling in his lap.

“Shit,” Connor breathes as he pulls the car into a parked position.

“What’s wrong?” Evan asked.

“I think it’s closed. Those gates are usually open...I don’t think there’s another entrance.”

“Oh. Well, that’s, I mean it’s alright, no big deal! We can always go somewhere else,” Evan smiles softly, a little warily as if he’s scared something going wrong will send Connor into a fit of rage. A rightful concern, but it still makes Connor’s stomach twist a bit to know that Evan is still, somewhere deep down, scared of him.

Yes, the inconvenience upsets Connor. He’d actually been looking forward to going back to the orchard after so long, especially with someone new to call a friend by his side. But he’s not going to let it ruin his day. That’s something he’s been working on with his new therapist, looking on the bright side, not letting little things drive him mad. He’s not so sure he’s gotten the hang of it yet, but as he drums his fingers on the steering wheel and lets out a deep exhale, he feels in control of the situation and it feels  _ good _ .

“Or, we could climb the fence,” he suggests, a smirk curling on the corner of his chapped lips.

“Oh! I mean, yeah, we could, I guess if you want...But couldn’t we, uh, I mean, like, get in trouble? Isn’t that trespassing?” Evan asks nervously, though he’s clearly trying to play it off.

“What? Are you scared, Hansen?” he replies, raising an eyebrow playfully.

It’s Evan’s response that shocks Connor more than his own joking demeanor. Evan’s face seems to harden slightly, his shoulders go back, and he meets Connor’s eye for what feels like the first time.

“No,” he says.

Connor holds eye contact for another moment, unable to push back the smile creeping onto his face. “Good. Let’s go then.”

He shuts off the car and stuffs the keys into the pocket of his jeans, letting the door slam shut behind him. The two boys approach the gate, and Connor grabs onto the chain-link and heaves himself up. The fence is pretty short; if Connor were a bit more athletic he could probably jump it. He lands easily on the other side and turns back to see Evan still on the other side.

“What’s up?”

“Oh, just...I don’t know how I’m gonna get up with, you know, my arm. This cast kinda gets in the way of everything,” he says with an awkward chuckle, gesturing to the white plaster.

Oh. Right. Evan has a whole-ass broken arm and Connor expected him to hop a fence like it was no big deal. Not like the kid has a humongous cast that he has literally signed on his arm 24/7. Nope, no way should Connor have thought this through.

“Oh, shit, sorry. I think I’m so used to seein’ that thing on your arm that I forgot.”

“It’s okay! I think if I can just, uh, pull myself up I should be fine.”

“Here, let me help you.”

Connor extends his hands and helps Evan clamber over the fence with a little-to-no issue, his sneakers dropping beside Connor’s combat boots as he smiles gratefully.

“Thanks.”

“No worries.”

The orchard is a lot less pretty than Connor remembers. The trees are fruitless and although it’s still technically summer, the leaves are dull and dying.

“I used to come here with my family a lot when I was younger,” he says suddenly, talking a few steps into the groves of trees. “I didn’t realize it wasn’t open anymore, but I guess I can see why.”

“I think it’s still really pretty,” Evan says, looking around. “Guess I’m just a nature geek.”

Connor chuckles with a fond shake of his head. “Tell me a tree fact.”

“Huh?”

“You like trees so much, tell me something about them.”

Evan turns a little pink and shrugs. “Well, the dwarf apple tree grows between ten and fifteen feet. But the standard apple tree, like these ones, can be up to thirty! And they can grow 7,500 different kinds of apples!”

The excitement in Evan’s voice at something so simple makes Connor’s heart flutter. He wishes that he was that passionate about something. “That’s actually pretty cool, I didn’t know that.”

“Really? I mean, most people find it really lame, so like, you don’t have to lie if you think it is cause I don’t wanna bore you-”

“It’s cool, seriously. I mean, I’m not particularly interested in trees, but...The way you talk about it makes it interesting. Like, you’re really passionate about it, so it’s fun to hear you talk about it, you know?”

Evan smiles a real, genuine smile that makes Connor want to bury himself six feet under because of how goddamn sweet it is and plays with the hem of his polo shirt. “Oh, thanks!”

They walk in silence for a little bit, before Connor flops down beneath one of the larger trees, resting his back against the trunk with a little sigh, shutting his eyes. He feels Evan sit down beside him.

“It’s quiet here,” Connor says. “Peaceful. So, basically, the exact opposite of my house.”

“Why? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s wrong with, uh, your house?”

Connor lets out a humorless laugh. “My parents fight, my parents fight with my sister, my parents fight with me, my sister fights with me...It’s a goddamn never-ending cycle of fighting and I always feel trapped in the middle, like everything is my fault.” He’s not sure why it’s so easy to open up to Evan; it took him so long to find a therapist he felt comfortable talking to and the fact that a person...a friend like Evan had been so close all along...Well, he feels shitty for not seeking him out sooner and looking to form some kind of friendship. But at the same time, it’s a miracle either of them is in this orchard at all, let alone together. Two lonely kids with seemingly nothing in common brought together and trying, trying so hard to make something beautiful blossom out of it.

Connor just hopes it isn’t a waste.

“I’m sorry,” Evan says softly. “I mean, I can’t imagine what that’s like. Well, not exactly, but I know how it feels to, uh, feel like the cause of everyone’s problems. My parents are divorced, and my mom is really stressed all the time with money, and like, I feel like it’s my fault because she’s always paying for my therapy sessions and my medication that I don’t even like taking because it makes me feel queasy and I think it makes me more anxious than anything else- Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble-”

“You’re fine,” Connor says. “Keep going, if you want.”

Evan nods slowly and starts to speak again, pulling on a few blades of grass as he talks. “Sometimes I just feel like...I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. Like having me is such a burden. She had me young, so she missed out on getting a good college education, so she goes to night school now to try and get her degree in what she really wanted to do all along. She married my dad because she was pregnant, not cause she really loved him, and see where that went. And now she’s stuck trying to raise a kid who...Well, I mean, look at me.”

Connor scoots a little closer, their shoulders bumping together. “If my parents didn’t have me, they’d be so much happier. Zoe’s their perfect child, and I’m the fuck-up. If I was out of the equation, they’d probably never fight.”

“Hey, you don’t know that.”

“Then how do you know your mom thinks you’re a burden?”

“I-...Alright, good point.”

Connor smiles slightly and nudges Evan. “Wanna listen to some music or something?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Connor pulls his phone out of his pocket and suddenly remembers how niche and weird his music taste is, nervously overthinking what he should play. Evan doesn’t seem like the type to listen to Linkin Park. Thankfully, that’s only a small fraction of his music taste.

_ ‘We don’t believe what’s on T.V.  _

_ Because it’s what we want to see _

_ And what we want, we know we can’t believe _

_ We have all learned to kill our dreams’ _

Evan seems to light up at the upbeat ukulele strumming, shooting Connor a look.

“What?” Connor asks.   
“Nothing! I just, um, didn’t think this would the, you know, kind of music you were into I guess? That sounds really shitty, but like, it’s just really upbeat and I guess I just...wasn't expecting that.”

Connor laughs despite himself. “That’s alright. I’m sure most people assume I listen to screamo exclusively.”

Evan laughs too, his nervousness seeming to fade a bit. “I like this though. Who’s it by?”

“Twenty One Pilots. I’m not a huge fan of their stuff, but Zoe was obsessed with them in her weird indigo-hair emo phase and this song sorta stuck.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of them. They used to play that one song on the radio at my job all the time-”

“Stressed Out?”

“Yeah, that one!”

“I fucking hate that song. Zoe has played it enough times and I never wanna hear it again.”

Evan grins. “It’s really overplayed.”

Before Connor can stop himself, he’s resting his head on Evan’s shoulder. Evan doesn’t pull away, but he does feel him tense momentarily before relaxing.

“Is this okay?” he asks quietly.

“Totally,” Evan replies, and his tone shows that he means it.

Relaxing. Peaceful. Quiet.

That’s how their first trip to the orchard goes.

 

***

 

Connor makes a playlist specifically for car rides with Evan and puts it on as he pulls up in front of Evan’s house.

“Hey!” Evan says, climbing into the passenger's seat.

“Hey,” Connor replies, giving him a small smile.

Evan hums beneath his breath along to the music he recognizes, drumming his fingers on his thighs.

Driving with him in the car should be considered driving under the influence, seriously. Connor’s not high for once, but he kinda feels like it every time he looks over and sees Evan watching out the window. It feels like he’s dreaming. There is no reason that someone as sweet, as gentle, as kind as Evan  _ fucking  _ Hansen should be beside him right now, but he is.

“Connor, the light’s green.”

“Oh! Fuck, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Evan grins. “At least, not to me. The people behind you are the ones you should say sorry to.”

Connor rolls his eyes and starts driving again, fully aware of the way Evan’s eyes scan over him. Maybe, just maybe, Evan is thinking something similar. Maybe he’s not doing this as a pity case. Maybe, maybe.

“Does being around all these trees ever give you, like, PTSD about when you fell?” Connor asks randomly.

Evan laughs. “No, not really. It wasn’t the tree’s fault, you know.”

Connor grins. “Maybe so.”

The two teens dissolve into giggles for a moment.

“Can I ask you something?” Evan asks once the laughter dies down. “It’s, uh, kinda personal.”

“Yeah, sure,” Connor replies.

“Why? I mean, like, why did you...You know, try…?”

Connor takes a deep breath. “I just...So, my parents have tried everything. Therapy, rehab, medication. None of it has worked. And all they do is fight about the best way to take care of me. Last time I was at a doctor, she said that they don’t usually diagnose bipolar disorder in people under 18, but she thinks that is the closest diagnosis she could give me. And, if I do turn out to be bipolar, I’m gonna have to be on medication for my entire life just to be able to function like a normal person. And, my parents flipped. Said there had to be another way, that there was no way I was ‘crazy’ as the people on T.V., etc. And yeah, that hurt. But...I think what really sucked the most was knowing...I’m different. I always knew I was different, I never felt like I fit in. Hell, I barely fit in with my own fucking family. But something about hearing that my brain needs this medication to function...That just really made me feel like shit. I mean, no shade to people who take meds, I just...It was a weird thing to hear. And then after that, the shit at home got worse and just everything sort of felt like it was piling up...I planned to not go to school that day and do it in the morning so that...So, no one would be home to, you know, find me. But my parents made me go and so...Zoe found me, actually. We haven’t talked about that, but I can imagine that’ll fuck a person up...So, yeah. You asked.”

Evan is watching him with a look that Connor can’t quite place but isn’t disgust or hate or confusion.

Before Connor can say another word, Evan is hugging him.

“I’m sorry, I just...I’m sorry,” Evan whispers. “I can’t...I mean, I can sort of understand how it feels...to want to, you know...Actually, I fully know how that feels. For different reasons. But... _ fuck _ .”

It’s the first time Connor has heard Evan really curse, and he wraps his arms back around Evan, the shock passing as he buries his face in Evan’s shoulder and tries to keep himself from crying. He can’t remember the last time anyone, other than his mom, had hugged him.

“I’m sorry that you know how it feels,” Connor mumbles.

“Don’t be sorry,” Evan replies. It sounds like he’s crying, so Connor hugs him a little tighter, and a few tears fall from his own eyes as well. It feels good to get that shit off his chest. He hasn’t even told his new therapist this yet, cause he just wants to forget it. But it’s nice to tell someone who understands, first-hand.

“That’s how I broke my arm,” Evan says when they pull away. “I didn’t tell anyone, because it’s stupid, but I was climbing and I-I looked down and I just got this overwhelming feeling like...Like if I fell, it wouldn’t matter. No one would come running to help. No one would even f-find me til a good while later, I thought. And so I...I just sort of let go. And it sounds so pathetic when I say it out loud like that! But at the moment it felt...It felt like the best option, I guess? And I’m still here, so clearly it didn’t matter! But no one came to get me. I sat there with my broken arm and waited, trying to see if my boss would come to get me. Or if I called my mom if she would leave her shift at work to come get me, but nope, I drove myself to the hospital with a broken arm and checked myself in all alone.”

Connor wants to cry even more now. “Holy shit, Evan. You...You do realize it would matter, right? If you...you know. Like, people would notice. Hell, they’d be devastated.”

“Then why did you think no one would care?”

“Good point.”

And then, for some sick reason, they start laughing again. God, it’s so freeing to say that shit out loud, finally, and to have someone listen.

“This situation isn’t funny,” Connor chokes out between giggles, clutching his sides.

“I know!” Evan replies, trying to muffle his own laughter in his hands, his cheeks red and his voice breathless.

“So why are we laughing?”

“I don’t know!”

That sends them into a new wave of laughter, and Connor leans forward to press his face against Evan’s chest, feeling the way it rises and falls as the other boy struggles to breathe. Evan doesn’t push him away, in fact, he leans right back into the touch as they both try to catch their breath.

Connor swipes the sleeves of his hoodie beneath both of his eyes, a mixture of sad and happy tears hanging off his eyelashes. “Fuck, my stomach hurts now.”

“Mine too,” Evan giggles, and then flops back against the grass.

Connor follows, laying next to him. “I love you.”

“Huh?”

“I meant I love this,” Connor says hurriedly. “Like, you and hanging out here. Just all of this.”

“I love it too,” Evan says, turning his head to face Connor. Their noses are almost touching, and Connor turns back to face the sky so quick he feels his neck crack.

That makes him laugh again, and soon, Evan is joining him.

Before today, he can’t remember the last time he laughed this hard. But God, when he’s with Evan, Connor’s not sure if he’ll ever stop laughing.

 

***

 

“I don’t have to help you over the fence anymore,” Connor teases.

“Shush!” Evan pouts. “It’s not my fault I had a broken arm.”

“But now you’re all healed and cast-less”

“Hell yeah I am,” Evan replies, flexing his newly free arm.

Connor snorts.

“Don’t make fun of me!”

“I wasn’t!”

“You laughed when I flexed.”

“Yeah, cause you've got no muscle.”

“Uh, I have way more than you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if you’re stronger, I’m still faster!” Connor grins and takes off, running between the trees.

He can hear Evan hot on his tail, and he starts to giggle despite himself. Being breathless isn’t going to help his case, and before he knows it, Evan’s hands are grabbing for his elbow, the two of them tumbling to the floor with Evan on top.

“I caught you!” he announces proudly, a grin spread across his flushed face.

Connor sticks his tongue out at him.

“That’s not nice, Connor!” Evan chastises, poking at Connor’s stomach.

Connor bats at his hands as he laughs. “Knock it off, Hansen!”

“Never!” Evan replies, easily dodging Connor’s hands to continue prodding.   
“Evan, c’mon! It tickles, stop!”

Grinning, Evan finally does stop, but not without one last squeeze to Connor’s sides that makes him jump and arch his back, accidentally yet very pointedly grinding his crotch against Evan’s legs, which makes his face go bright red.

Evan gets off him, seeming to have either not noticed or chosen to not acknowledge it, so Connor decides to do the same.

“I still think I’m stronger though,” Evan says after a moment.

“Wanna find out?”

“Totally.”

 

***

 

Evan’s mom is working late, so Connor offers to pick him up.

It’s already getting dark out, winter sneaking up on fall far too quickly.

“You can see the stars,” Evan almost whispers.

“Yeah,” Connor replies. He lays back against the grass and looks up at the darkened sky, scanning for familiar constellations.

Evan lays beside him, and both their hands shoot up at the same time to point out a star, their wrists bumping, hands touching, and they laugh, both flushing.

They don’t move their hands. Connor interlocks their pinkies. Evan seems to stop breathing, and just as Connor’s about to retract and apologize, Evan’s head is tilting, his other hand cupping Connor’s jaw and coaxing him to turn his head, and their lips are clumsily pressed together under the starlight.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry-”

“I don’t know why I did that I-”

“Wait, why are you sorry?”

“For kissing you!”

“But I kissed you first!”

“I don’t know, I’m just apologizing!”

And then Connor leans forward and kisses him again.

Evan melts into it. It’s obvious this is both of their first kisses; it’s messy and clumsy and, in theory, just not a great kiss by most people’s standards, but for them, it’s absolutely perfect.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Connor says softly.

“Oh.”

And they’re laughing. Laughing at how oblivious they both are, how awkward the whole situation is, and how long it took them to finally make a fucking move.

But thank god Evan finally did, because Connor knows he’d never be able to pluck up the courage.

“I thought you liked my sister,” Connor blurts.

Evan shrugs. “I did, but I don’t really know her. I know you. And I like you for what I know, not what I’ve imagined.”

That answer earned him another soft kiss, and Connor held him close for a moment.

“I think I might be falling a little bit in love with you,” he admits softly.

“I think I might be falling a little bit in with you too, dork,” Evan says.

Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

That’s the only word that Connor can think of to describe this night.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!! feedback in the form of kudos/comment can really make a writer's day :)
> 
> tumblr: intertwiningwords.tumblr.com


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